I love pizza...and ice cream...and candy...and...

After writing the first draft of this post (yes, I am a nerd, I write a draft first), I realized that I could write a book about this topic.  Well, maybe not a book, but a very long chapter in a book.  So this will be split into two parts--here is Part I.

Nutrition, nutrition, nutrition!  The bane of my (athletic) existence...It may surprise many to learn that I am a compulsive overeater.  I don't say that or use the term lightly, because for some people it can be a serious problem with food addiction and a resulting unhealthy life.  Luckily for me, I can control it and have always enjoyed exercise.  Yet I have never been at an ideal weight for reaching my potential in any of my athletic endeavors--not in high school, not in college, not in my weekend warrior escapades as an adult.  So one of my goals for the Ironman this year is to get close to my ideal race weight.  (Part II will be more about race weight and what that means to me.)  No, I am not fat and never have been.  And I'm not going to use the terms "overweight" or "heavy"--let's call it what it is, fat is fat.  If you have to ask, the answer is yes.  ("Does this outfit make my arms/stomach/ass/thighs/teeth look fat?"  Yes.)  I'm not fat, but I have extra fat.  Getting rid of that extra fat to get to my race weight will take a lot of work (again, more on that in Part II).  Right now, however, my biggest concern is I have let myself fall back into compulsive overeating habits.  Those of you without any level of food addiction might not know what I mean, so let me give you some examples:

• Buying cookie dough, the kind in the easy open package, eating it in the car (not all of it, but a lot), and disposing of the package before anyone else might see. After all, if no one else sees me eat it, the calories don't count.
• Eating raw spaghetti because of the satisfying chewing/crunching/starchy feeling it provides.
• Eating something delicious, but eating more of it than anyone should, past the point of feeling full, all the way to the point of feeling sick, but continuing to eat it because at one point it tasted really good, and I want to maintain that feeling of enjoying it (at some point the taste doesn't matter anymore, just the continued feeling of eating); also just because I can. I have expando-belly, I can fit enormous amounts of food into my stomach.  (That's nothing to be proud of, Russ.)
• Going to Walgreens for something innocuous, let's say a greeting card or tissue or something, and coming out with 3 for $3 boxes of candy, or two entire bags of mini Snickers/Twix/Milky Way because they were BOGO, or whatever other candy might just be on sale...and then eating it surreptitiously whenever the opportunity presents itself.  After all, chocolate curbs my appetite, so I'll eat less for dinner anyway.  (Yeah, right.)

Yes, I have done all of these things.  I have done all of them in the past year, in fact, and a couple of them even since the start of my Ironman training.  The past two weeks were tough--for no reason at all--no added stress at work or home, I just got lazy and fell back into compulsive eating habits.  It started innocently enough two weeks ago with Almond Butter.  I have been eating a banana with almond butter almost every weekday afternoon for the past few weeks because it is a perfect post-lunch/pre-workout snack.  I had never tried almond butter before, but since I'm trying to follow the Paleo diet, peanut butter is off-limits (it's a legume, not actually a nut, and no legumes allowed on Paleo).  So I found some relatively affordable almond butter at Publix that had only two ingredients, almonds and salt.  Well, I ran out two weeks ago and could not find that same brand!  All the other almond butters I found had all kinds of other ingredients (added oils and other crap).  So in a pinch to find an afternoon protein to go with my banana, I bought raw, natural sunflower seeds (raw seeds are Paleo).  I dipped my banana in them and thought it would be a delicious snack.  Well, the banana completely overshadowed the seeds, so I couldn't taste them. I started just eating a handful or two of the seeds (which should be all I eat in a serving).  By the third day, I was eating them with a spoon. In the morning.  At my desk.  After lunch.  The huge portion of sunflower seeds was gone in 4 days.  Note to self: inability to control snacking means do not buy these anymore.  However, no major harm done, I was pretty much sticking to eating healthy for everything else.

Then came the weekend for the Gasparilla Half Marathon.  Friday evening we went out and I had two 20 oz. ciders--lots of calories, but that's okay.  Ordered a healthy spinach and chicken salad, didn't eat the pita bread.  Next day ate half a subway meatball sub, again, no big deal, race the next day.  For dinner at a friend's had two types of pasta dishes, bread, tortilla chips...more than I should have, but everything sat well with me the next day in the race.  Celebrated the race with a greasy burger and sweet potato fries.  And that's where it should have ended.  But it didn't.  That night I overate some more...popcorn, maybe?  Oh, and crack!  Have you ever tasted this stuff?  They gave it away for free at the race...three jars in my bag!  It should be banned as a drug as harmful as crack!  Evil, evil stuff...don't ever buy it.  Ever.

Anyway, my overeating and poor decisions continued to the next day.  I did go grocery shopping and cooked my food for the week that Monday night to get back on track, but still did poorly throughout the week.  Mostly I ate too much, even though I was eating healthy foods.  But then Friday night came along, and after my run I had a cider.  Then another.  Then a homemade quesadilla that Brian made, even though I had already eaten my healthy dinner of salad and a veggie burger.  Then Saturday I made the mistake of having cereal.  I LOVE cereal.  I have not had cereal in 6 weeks...but I had a bowl Saturday, a BIG bowl (with almond milk, that made it okay, right?).  Then on Sunday I had not one, not two, but THREE bowls. That's where the compulsive part of compulsive overeating comes in.  Was I still hungry after the first bowl? No.  But I wanted more.  I had nothing else to eat that afternoon, went on a great bike ride, then was getting hungry.  Had a cider (I was thirsty, too).  Then another.  Then we ordered Chinese food.  And I ate it all.  During my second helping I even told Brian how full I was, how my stomach was starting to hurt.  Did I stop eating then?  No.  I finished it.  I threw out some rice, but that's only because my chicken and sauce were gone.

As you can see, I have fallen off my healthy eating, and this past week had trouble getting back on track. Even though all week I KNEW I would be writing about this in my blog, but was planning on just detailing the sunflower seed and post-race bad eating mishap.  But it continued because I let it.  It's a good thing that I really enjoy eating healthy foods and always have.  And also lucky for me I don't like cake, or cheesecake, or pastry things...but I love pizza...and ice cream...and candy...and obviously a lot of things that in moderation aren't bad at all, but in excess are a big problem.

So I am back on track today.  I will take it one day at a time and remember that there is no reason to overeat, to stuff myself to discomfort.  I am not denying myself anything, I'm just trying to eat healthy 95% of the time, and then choosing each week what "treats" I get for that other 5%.  

As a side note, during my freshman year of college at USF, I went to see a "counselor" at the school for what I had recognized as a compulsive overeating problem.  What a joke!  I met with a young man and young woman, I have no idea at what point in their counseling training they were (grad students, maybe?), but they were of absolutely no help at all.  As I said before, I am lucky to be able to control this, but many people cannot, and I hope that those who need help and seek it find better than I did in that one attempt at seeking "professional" assistance.

It's hard for me to admit all this to friends who don't know it about me, and most do not.  I try to always keep things positive, to learn from mistakes and move on.  But if this blog is to be an honest diary of my Ironman journey, then this post had to be part of it.  Today I had some victories.  I was hungry in the grocery store and considered (again, knowing I was writing this blog), purchasing something unhealthy that would satisfy my bogus craving (like trail mix, maybe with chocolate, or chips, or whatever).  But I chose not to.  Instead, I chewed a piece of sugar free gum.  Then at the second grocery store I bought some plums and ate one of those on the way home.  When I got home I cooked and prepped my food for the week, ate a bit of what I prepared, and even though I wanted to keep eating, I stopped.  (After dinner eating is my biggest problem--I feel like I need to stuff myself to the point of discomfort.  What is that all about?)

One day at a time.  Today is a success.  Tomorrow will be another successful day.  And the day after that...